As a parent—let alone a child—it’s not easy to navigate social media. For most American teens, using social media platforms is still standard. The Pew Research Center reports that 58% of teens use TikTok daily, including 17% who describe their TikTok usage as nearly constant.
About half of teens use Snapchat and Instagram daily, with usage remaining nearly constant at 14% and 8%, respectively.
But parents – and even some teenagers themselves – are increasingly concerned about the impact of social media use on young people. Lawmakers have taken note, holding several hearings in Congress on children’s online safety.
Even with bipartisan agreement, it takes time to pass laws and regulate companies. No regulation has been passed yet. What should parents—and teens—do in the meantime? Here are some tips for staying safe, communicating, and setting boundaries on social media—for kids and their parents.
IS 13 THE MAGIC AGE FOR SOCIAL MEDIA?
Technically, there is already a regulation that prohibits children under 13 from using advertising platforms without parental consent: the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act, which came into force in 2000, before today’s teenagers were even born.
The goal was to protect children’s online privacy by, among other things, requiring websites and online services to disclose clear privacy policies and obtain parental consent before collecting personal information about their children. To comply with these requirements, social media companies generally banned children under the age of 13 from signing up for their services.
But times have changed, and when it comes to online privacy, that’s no longer the only concern kids have online. There’s bullying, harassment, the risk of developing eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, or worse.
For years, parents, educators and technology experts have been pushing for children to be given a smartphone only when they are older. For example, there is the “Wait Until 8th” pledge, where parents sign a pledge to not give their children a smartphone until they are in 8th grade, around 13 or 14 years old. Some wait even longer, until 16 or 17.
But neither the social media companies nor the government have taken concrete measures to raise the age limit.
IF THE LAW DOESN’T FORBID CHILDREN FROM DOING IT, SHOULD PARENTS FORBID IT?
“There’s not necessarily a magic age,” says Christine Elgersma, a social media expert at the nonprofit Common Sense Media. But she adds, “13 is probably not the best age for kids to get into social media.”
The laws currently being proposed include blanket bans on under-13s on social media. The problem? There’s no easy way to verify a person’s age when they sign up for apps and online services. And the apps popular with teens today were originally designed for adults. Companies have made some safeguards over the years, Elgersma noted, but those are piecemeal changes, not fundamental overhauls of the services.
“Developers need to start creating apps that are tailored to children,” she said.
Some technology executives, celebrities like Jennifer Garner, and parents from all walks of life have decided to ban their children from accessing social media altogether. Although the decision is individual and depends on each child and parent, some experts say this could lead to isolation of children, who could be excluded from activities and conversations with friends that take place on social media or chat services.
Another obstacle is that children who have never been active on social media before may not be able to navigate these platforms when they suddenly have free rein at age 18.
TALK, TALK, TALK
Start early, sooner than you think. Elgersma suggests that parents go through their own social media feeds with their children before they’re old enough to be online, and openly discuss what they see. How would your child handle a situation where a friend of a friend asks them to send a photo? Or if they see an article that makes them so angry they want to share it immediately?
Older children should be approached with curiosity and interest, says Elgersma. “Ask what their friends are doing, or don’t ask direct questions like ‘What are you doing on Instagram?’ but rather ‘Hey, I heard this influencer is really hot.'” And even if your child rolls their eyes, that could be a window.”
Don’t say things like “Turn that thing off!” after your child has been scrolling for a long time, advises Jean Rogers, director of the nonprofit Fairplay’s Screen Time Action Network.
“It’s disrespectful,” Rogers said. “It doesn’t respect that their whole life and their whole world is in this device.”
Instead, Rogers suggests asking them questions about what they do on their phone and seeing what your child is willing to share.
Kids are also likely to respond to parents and educators “pulling back the curtain” on social media and the sometimes insidious tools companies use to keep people online and engaged, Elgersma said. Watch a documentary like “The Social Dilemma,” which delves into social media’s algorithms, dark patterns and dopamine feedback cycles. Or read with your kids about how Facebook and TikTok make money.
“Kids love knowing about these things and it gives them a sense of power,” she said.
SETTING BOUNDARIES
Rogers says most parents have success taking their kids’ phones away overnight to limit scrolling. Occasionally, kids may try to snatch the phone back, but this strategy usually works because kids need a break from the screen.
“They need an excuse with their peers not to be on the phone at night,” Rogers said. “They can blame their parents.”
Parents may need to set their own limits on phone use. Rogers said it’s helpful to explain what you’re doing when you have a phone in your hand around your child so they understand you’re not scrolling aimlessly through sites like Instagram. Tell your child you’re checking work email, looking up a recipe for dinner or paying a bill so they understand you’re not just there for fun. Then tell them when you plan to put the phone away.
WHAT ABOUT PARENTAL CONTROLS?
Social media platforms aimed at children have been adding an ever-increasing range of parental controls as they face ever-tighter scrutiny around child safety. For example, last year Meta unveiled parental control tools that allow parents to set time limits, see who their child is following or being followed by, and allow them to track how much time the underage child spends on Instagram. Parents are therefore unable to see the content of messages.
But like similar tools on other platforms like TikTok, the feature is optional and both kids and parents must agree to its use. To get kids to agree to set up the controls, Instagram sends teens a notification after they block someone asking them to let their parents “monitor” their account. The idea is to get kids’ attention when they’re more open to parental guidance.
By making the feature optional, Meta says it is trying to “balance teens’ safety and autonomy” and encourage conversations between parents and their children.
Such features can be useful for families where parents are already aware of their children’s online lives and activities, but experts say that’s not the reality for many people.
US Surgeon General Murthy said last year that it is unfair to expect parents to control their children’s behavior in the face of rapidly evolving technology that is “fundamentally changing how their children think about themselves, how they make friends, how they experience the world – all with technology that previous generations never had to deal with.”
Burdening parents with all this responsibility is “simply not fair,” he said.
