I believe that the most valuable thing we can give a child is resilience – the ability to recognize, face and overcome challenges.
Although winning is fun, there is no better way to build resilience than by losing. This year, one of my sons joined a new soccer team. And I learned that not all parents believe that losing is valuable.
One of the reasons we joined the new team was to work with one of the best coaches in the area. The coach taught the team to “build from the back”, a sophisticated strategy in which the goalkeeper and defenders dictate the tempo of the game by keeping possession of the ball in the backfield until the rest of the team is in position to advance the ball forward in an organized way, line by line, and exploit the opponent’s weak points to score goals.
As the boys are learning a new style of play, they made a lot of mistakes in their first practice game and were beaten down by their opponent. As the score difference grew, my son’s teammates started yelling at each other. My son and I found their behavior odd but chalked it up to early season nerves. As a group, the team was unable to create passing opportunities to move the ball forward. Frustrated, my son asked me, “What did they want me to do? Teleport with the ball?”
His disappointment was palpable, not because of the defeat, but because the team did not work together.
On the way to a soccer tournament last weekend, I showed my children one of the most compelling books I’ve ever read: Saying Yes to Life Anyway by Victor Frankl. The book describes Dr. Frankl’s experiences as a prisoner in various Nazi concentration camps during World War II. In it, Frankl – a psychiatrist and neurologist – explains how to find meaning in life in one of three ways: through accomplishing tasks, through freedom of choice, or by finding meaning in adversity.
Completion of tasks: “Every person has his or her own specific calling or task in life; everyone has a concrete task to fulfill that requires fulfillment.”
Achieving goals provides a sense of accomplishment and shows the value of patience, perseverance, and practice. The team won the first tournament game. During the entire game, no one on the field yelled at each other. I wondered if the behavior at the practice game was a fluke. During the second game, I got the answer. My son played defense. He works hard. He rarely gives up. His job was to hold the ball and pass it to the goalie until his teammates were well positioned to move it down the field. These were the coach’s instructions, and he followed them to the letter.
But the more goals the opposing team scored, the more shouting – from players and parents – could be heard on and off the field. As parents shouted instructions at their children, they changed their game strategy from “building from the back” to “shooting the ball” without having a plan. My son, however, was not like that. He knew his job. He accepted it. He worked to fulfill it. Soon the parents were shouting at him too, which completely upset me. My son did not give in to their demands.
The freedom to choose: Frankl said, “The only thing you cannot take away from me is the way I react to what you do to me. The last freedom a person has is to choose his attitude in any given situation.”
I couldn’t stop myself and quietly told the loudest parent that my son was doing exactly what the coach told him to do. The parent sheepishly admitted that was true. I just hoped my son didn’t hear the angry adults yelling from the sidelines while I waited for the game to end. As you might guess, the team had lost. When my son came off the field, he shared his thoughts with me. He heard the angry parents of his teammates but chose to ignore them because “they’re not my parents and they’re not my coach.” He realized he had the freedom to decide. He didn’t care what they thought. He knew his job.
And then I thought about my own task. I wasn’t looking forward to watching angry parents yelling orders at their children and mine as we walked to the afternoon game. But as I reflected on Dr. Frankl’s words, I decided to change my mindset. We joined the team to work with a talented coach, but more than that, my son honed his mental toughness. And not only did his mental toughness improve, but mine did too.
Finding meaning in adversity: “For success, like happiness, cannot be sought; it must be discovered, and this it does only as an unintended side effect of personal devotion to a cause greater than oneself.”
As my son walked onto the field, I smiled at him and said, “I love you, I’m proud of you. No matter what happens, do your best in this game.” He grinned back and said, “I will.” And he did. He started for the first time. He passed the ball beautifully. He assisted on a goal. And while parents got angry at their kids, they suddenly found it easier to ignore their strange behavior. I smiled. I cheered. I even laughed. Most of all, I enjoyed watching my son play.
There is always a choice; not only in terms of our freedom, but also in terms of our ability to make sense of each moment. And that’s what my son and I learned last weekend. A valuable lesson for all of us.
Dr. Niran Al-Agba is a pediatrician in Silverdale and writes a regular opinion column for the Kitsap Sun. You can reach her at [email protected].
