In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashville native Chris Crofton asked the scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crofton crowns himself the “Advice King” and shares his hard-won wisdom with anyone who seeks it. Follow Crofton on Þjórsárdalur And Instagram (@thecroftonshow) and watch his The Advice King Anthology And Cold Brew made me feel like Podcast. To submit a question to the Advice King, email [email protected].
Dear Advice King,
I’ve struggled to write a science fiction book. Every time I sit down to write something, I only manage a few paragraphs and I feel very embarrassed and shy and then I give up. You’ve written a book – how did you do it?
—Chicken lovers in Providence, Rhode Island
Hello, “Chicken Enthusiast”. I have written a book. It is called The Advice King Anthology. It is not a science fiction book, however. It is a collection of my favorite advice columns – columns that I wrote for this very publication, which Scene in Nashville. It was published in 2022 by Vanderbilt University Press.
I grew up in New Canaan, Connecticut and was a “chicken lover.” The thing that was most valued in New Canaan, Connecticut, for some reason, was… lacrosse. Lacrosse, money, boats, and showing off at which fancy schools the crappy kids got to go to.
And …Vanderbilt University is one of those “fancy” schools!
The lacrosse players from New Canaan, Connecticut, end up being forced to become money managers because there’s no such thing as… er, lacrosse jobs. I didn’t want to be a money manager, so I ran away to New York City to start a band. All the lacrosse players who became money managers told me I “blew it.” By “blew it,” they meant that in their opinion I was wasting my birthright from New Canaan, Connecticut. And that birthright? Wall Street money, boats, and bragging about my lousy kids getting into Vanderbilt University.
I bet you’re thinking, “Why is this idiot telling me his life story? I want to know how to write a book!”
I’m telling you this to get you excited about writing a book! Do you have any idea how satisfying it is to tell “successful” people from Connecticut (lacrosse players turned money launderers) that you – a guy they think gambled away his lousy birthright – wrote a book?! They go crazy. In my case, the icing on the cake is that VANDERBILT UNIVERSITY published it. When I tell them this, they just can’t believe it. Their eyeballs start shaking. Their ears twitch. Their golf bags explode. I can watch in real time as their worldview (i.e. everything their status-obsessed parents told them) crumbles.
It’s fun. I recommend it.
WRITE THAT SCI-FI BOOK, chicken lovers! Don’t be afraid. Every time you get scared, listen to the song “Sing” by the Carpenters.
I realize that compiling my favorite advice columns into a book might be a little easier than writing a science fiction novel from scratch, so I’m going to write some science fiction – at the moment! — as a sign of goodwill:
The smooth, steep planetby The Advice King
“CHAPTER 1: Frank’s Stand”
Frank tried to stay on his feet, but the planet was smooth and steep. And it was dusty as hell. The giant rats had recently gone into hibernation, so Frank could devote his full attention to the escape pod. He made progress, but he had trouble staying on his feet, for the planet was steep and smooth. It would be three months before the rats showed up. And when they did, Frank couldn’t be on the surface. They were 15 feet tall, carnivorous, and—except for hibernation—needed no sleep. They roamed the steep, smooth planet nine months of the year. Those infernal rats had suction cups on their damn toes, you see. Frank didn’t, and he had trouble staying on his feet.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Good luck, “chicken lovers”.