By Liza Cooper
As a love and dating coach who serves singles across the country, I was surprised to learn that in our own Upper West Side neighborhood, with a population of nearly 227,000, about 53 percent of residents, or about 120,000 people, identify as single, divorced, or widowed, compared to about 47 percent, or about 107,000 people, who identify as married, according to data from the Census Reporter 2022.
Who are these singles and couples? I wondered. So over the past week, I asked Upper West Side people, both casual and strangers, in Riverside Park and outside the Westside Market on the corner of 97th Street and Broadway about their dating and love lives, as well as their long-term relationships.
While some passersby quickened their pace when they saw my giant sign that read, “Talk to me about…love, dating, relationships,” many were eager to talk to a dating coach about their struggles in finding romance as well as their problems in long-term relationships. They also spoke movingly about the joy that comes with good partnerships.
Here is a selection of what I heard from the Upper West Siders I spoke with. Some names have been changed to protect privacy
Alessandra, single, 34 years old
The dating process until I met my boyfriend was basically a tragedy. Forget sparks, there wasn’t even a click-around conversation with the guys I met. I never tried dating apps because that seems to be the last frontier and just another job. My partner and I met at sunset near the 72and Street Boathouse. It started as a friendship and we would meet for coffee, drinks or to play pool in the neighborhood. It was clear early on that he was different and special and I immediately felt comfortable with him.
Alan, single, 55 years old
Dating can be fun, but it can also be a chore. It’s like an assembly line—one more date, one more dinner. I’m looking for someone who understands me, who is curious about their inner and outer world, who we laugh with, and who I look forward to spending time with. That’s hard to find! Since I work from home, I don’t have a lot of time to meet random people, so swiping on dating apps is all I have—the fast food of relationships. If I lived in a small town, there might be few options, but in NYC, there are so many options that you think there might be someone better.
Leora, married, 48 years
We met in synagogue. He was sweet, but his sense of humor was the big attraction. Laughter and hard work got us through more than twenty years, including some very difficult times. We were both skeptical when we got married—my parents divorced early and my husband’s parents had a lot of discord. Conflict is part of a relationship, but when we argue, we work hard to repair it by owning up to our bad behavior and respecting each other’s vulnerabilities and traumatic experiences with marital conflict. We’ve come so far in our time together.
Ella, single, 45 years
I’ll probably want to date again someday, but after a complicated divorce and raising an 8-year-old, romance isn’t something I think about much. Right now, I’m in control of how things go and don’t have to discuss decisions with another person. I also discovered that I hate breaking up with people – because I didn’t want to hurt them – so I stayed in unhappy relationships for a very long time instead. Luckily, I have a circle of single friends who are all great. That’s not the worst club to be a part of.
Marck and Diana, 18 years old
Diana: This is the second time we’ve hung out together. We talk and text a lot though. Today we spent the day in Central Park at a cute little spot, eating frozen yogurt and just talking because we have so much in common, like watching the show Dexter. I like him (Marck) very much.
Marck: I DMed her on Instagram because she and I went to the gym. That sparked a conversation. We have these little things that connect us that others might think are unimportant. I really like her too, but we just enjoy each other’s company and see where things naturally go.
Andy, married, 42 years
Eleven years ago I met a man on match.com. He was visiting my West 87th I lived in a street apartment early on and never left. To be honest, I knew I wanted to marry him within minutes of our first meeting; I proposed under the Eiffel Tower. Lee was the opposite of anyone I had met before, and in some ways the opposite of me. I have big feelings, he is down to earth. I can be grumpy, he is always happy. However, we both have loving families. Although we recently left the Upper West Side, we miss them very much and can’t wait to go to the Metro Theater when it opens again. Today we are best friends and partners with lots of gray hair.
Maddie, widowed, 89 years old
I have had two wonderful marriages. After my first husband died, a friend showed me a man at church and said, “This will be your second husband.” He was, and he absolutely adored me and my children. I have fifteen grandchildren, and I tell them that the best relationships are when each partner believes they are the one giving 70 percent. When my husband said something insensitive, I would reply, “I think you were going to say…” He told me I edited him, and then we would burst out laughing! My best relationship advice is to always spoil someone you love, because it’s wonderful to be spoiled. But no more romance for me… I’m 89!
Kara, single, 58 years old
I always believed that if I set my mind to something, work hard, and have a positive attitude, I would see the results I hoped for. But I’ve done all of that in dating and still haven’t met anyone. I’ve tried every dating app, sat in cafes with my laptop, met with matchmakers. But what baffles me the most is that I have many extraordinary friends who care deeply about me, and none of them know anyone amazing who could introduce me to someone. How is that possible? I’m financially independent, warm, open; I’ve stopped looking for love, but I’ll never give up hope.
Barbara, married, age, 57
At a singles square dance event on West 100th Street, I met a man who told me: “The Send children passed me by.” Since I was in the process of adopting a little girl from Russia, I knew I would pass this guy by, too. But then he asked for my number. For me, there were a lot of red flags about him – he was in his 50s and never married, had no interest in kids, and lived in a studio apartment a block from his parents for 30 years. But during and since adopting my daughter, I’ve seen that he was destined to be a father. Things aren’t always easy, but I was used to partners who don’t put me first. He’s the opposite, and a lot of fun, too. Where I used to see only red flags, now I see only green.
Udochi and Natalie, single, 23 years old
Udochi: Last summer I had a brief romance and it was the best time of my life. I have never experienced anything like it. He was quiet, a gentleman, put me first and let me shine. I felt seen and loved but he had to go back to his country and I sabotaged that by saying it would never work. However, we have stayed in touch for the past year. He is coming back soon for a few months and I hope we can pick up where we left off.
Natalie: I’m disgustingly single and haven’t dated since high school. There was no one I wanted to date and I’m always downloading and deleting all the dating apps. I have a hard time making space for someone because I like being alone and I’m used to it. I’m shy and Udochi is an extrovert so we’re great best friends.
Liza Cooper is a love and dating coach. Hhe wins Moth story about finding love after a divorce went viral on social media earlier this year, while an article about her amicable separation was featured in the New York Times in April.
If you have any questions for Liza or want to share your thoughts, write them in the comments.
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